Questions poly people get asked

[ciphergoth]

Questions Trish asked in preparation for a workshop about polyamory.

• Don't you get jealous?

  Actually, no. I'm not 100% convinced that there's such a thing as jealousy; a whole lot of other emotions (insecurity, time envy etc) get called that.

• How do you find the time?

  This one needs a longer answer, but the jist is this: not all relationships are very time consuming. Promising your partner that you won't sleep with anyone else would be a weird way to solve time constraints if that was the only reason it was done. Healthy relationships usually involve scheduling time for partners to pursue their own activities, whether that's other relationships or Jiu Jitsu or whatever.

  Having said all that, I'll concede that the way I live, scheduling time is a bastard.

• Don't you want to settle down?

  Absolutely not. As far as I'm concerned, that's another word for spiritual death.

  However, I do want stable, reliable things in my life, which is why I have a steady job, mortgage, lasting relationships and so on.

• I'd be up for that, let me know what sort of girls (or boys) you fancy and I'll sort something out for us!

  You are not even in the queue, baby.

• It's not what God wants.

  *shrug* I'm an atheist; go tell someone who cares.

• What about children?

  I don't want children, but I'd give lizw and ergotia as examples here.

• I'd hate it if my boyfriend/girlfriend was unfaithful to me.

  I'd hate it if one of my partners broke an important agreement in our relationship too.

• You're being greedy.

  If wanting the best life for myself I can have is greed, then I'm guilty. But as lizw says, greed is the opposite of sharing, and you can hardly say I'm not doing that.

• I'm annoyed (with you - implied) now because my life seems really boring compared to yours.

  You know how I sometimes give devastatingly rude advice? If I was going to do that, I'd say...

  It's not too late to change it. Resolve to have a more interesting life right now. You don't have to become poly, but you do have to chuck out your vague notion of "settling down" in favour of specific goals of what forms of stability you need in your life, and what sort of interest you think it should contain.

  Note that of course I'm not giving that advice to all monogamous people, but to people who complain their lives are boring.

• So, you sleep around then?

  Yes, and it's a lot of fun, but I also have several long-term partners.

Comments

[winterthing.livejournal.com]

Not a problem.

Not even the beginnings of a problem.

I think I'd want to be sure that the girl would be happy with a pure one night stand, and wouldn't go away to Australia feeling used at all, but I think that would probably be my main concern.

*blinks*

That actually mildly surprises me. I think I'd want to know about it - I think I would be jealous if it became a private moment between the two of them - but if I felt I had the right to ask him about it afterwards then I don't think I would mind at all.

I tend to accept that I know I wouldn't mind an open relationship, but I think I disapprove of them slightly - to my mind there is something more morally right about caring for multiple people than only being in love with one person but using others for sex alone. Casual sex does seem to work with some people, but I've seen it used as a form of abuse in some ways so many times that I'm very very leery of it.

On the other hand I think I would be jealous if I was in a relationship with someone who went out with me, and then told me three months down the line that he would like to have X as a joint primary partner to me.

It wouldn't entirely matter then if he spent exactly as much time with me as he had done before - I would be jealous having gone from being the most important person in that area of his life, to being equal to someone else.

I think is probably the closest I come to pure jealousy - a kind of bratty desire to have a partner tell me that to _them_ I am the most beautiful/desirable/special person in their life. So maybe that is still protecting something specific - a kind of ego boost that you get from a partner.

[jhg.livejournal.com]

On the other hand I think I would be jealous if I was in a relationship with someone who went out with me, and then told me three months down the line that he would like to have X as a joint primary partner to me.

It wouldn't entirely matter then if he spent exactly as much time with me as he had done before - I would be jealous having gone from being the most important person in that area of his life, to being equal to someone else.

Oh god, I do *so* know what you mean.


J