Questions poly people get asked

[ciphergoth]

Questions Trish asked in preparation for a workshop about polyamory.

• Don't you get jealous?

  Actually, no. I'm not 100% convinced that there's such a thing as jealousy; a whole lot of other emotions (insecurity, time envy etc) get called that.

• How do you find the time?

  This one needs a longer answer, but the jist is this: not all relationships are very time consuming. Promising your partner that you won't sleep with anyone else would be a weird way to solve time constraints if that was the only reason it was done. Healthy relationships usually involve scheduling time for partners to pursue their own activities, whether that's other relationships or Jiu Jitsu or whatever.

  Having said all that, I'll concede that the way I live, scheduling time is a bastard.

• Don't you want to settle down?

  Absolutely not. As far as I'm concerned, that's another word for spiritual death.

  However, I do want stable, reliable things in my life, which is why I have a steady job, mortgage, lasting relationships and so on.

• I'd be up for that, let me know what sort of girls (or boys) you fancy and I'll sort something out for us!

  You are not even in the queue, baby.

• It's not what God wants.

  *shrug* I'm an atheist; go tell someone who cares.

• What about children?

  I don't want children, but I'd give lizw and ergotia as examples here.

• I'd hate it if my boyfriend/girlfriend was unfaithful to me.

  I'd hate it if one of my partners broke an important agreement in our relationship too.

• You're being greedy.

  If wanting the best life for myself I can have is greed, then I'm guilty. But as lizw says, greed is the opposite of sharing, and you can hardly say I'm not doing that.

• I'm annoyed (with you - implied) now because my life seems really boring compared to yours.

  You know how I sometimes give devastatingly rude advice? If I was going to do that, I'd say...

  It's not too late to change it. Resolve to have a more interesting life right now. You don't have to become poly, but you do have to chuck out your vague notion of "settling down" in favour of specific goals of what forms of stability you need in your life, and what sort of interest you think it should contain.

  Note that of course I'm not giving that advice to all monogamous people, but to people who complain their lives are boring.

• So, you sleep around then?

  Yes, and it's a lot of fun, but I also have several long-term partners.

Comments

Sorry for jumping in here...

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

But I find this interesting.

Especially cause I frequently have 'yes, but..' bits when I'm talking to poly friends, which I think means there's something I'm missing/not understanding/some difference in axioms that I'm not aware of.

I don't think poly is wrong, I see it as a way of living your life which makes a lot of sense, but I don't feel it is for me.

I could go on about a time when I've tried it and been unhappy but that isn't really true. What actually happened was I was seeing someone, I wanted it to be exclusive, he didn't, I pretended I was OK with it so the sex wouldn't stop, I was miserable. I don't think that was really poly/non-monogamy/whatever - it was people not being honest with each *and* accepting things that weren't really what they wanted.

Which brings me to your scenario. I would say no. I'm not sure why, beyond *knowing* it would make me unhappy and I think that's a good enough reason. I could try to justify the unhappiness with stuff like what you mentioned above or with insecurity (fear the other person would be 'better' at sex than me) but it really isn't that clear. I dunno if this is the 'pure' form of jealousy you're talking about, but it is why I'm monogamous.

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[ciphergoth.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

I'm really not trying to ask any monogamous people to justify why they've made that choice. I'm only trying to explain why the choices I've made work for me...

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[hfnuala.livejournal.com]

I didn't think you were. Which is why I didn't reply to the original entry.

I'm fascinated by my knee-jerk reaction - I can happily intellectually the pros of poly, but I have a gut feeling it's not for me. And I don't know why. And I'm hoping the more I write about it, the more likely that one day I'll understand why it is.

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[ex-meta.livejournal.com]

I'm quite prepared to believe that there are people who genuinely aren't poly by nature, just like I'm prepared to believe that there are people who are genuinely heterosexual. Just because I can't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. :-)

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[nickys.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure about poly, but I should think that whether a person is heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual is definitely determined by their nature.

You can't decide to fancy someone, either you do or you don't and there's no logic or conscious decision there at all. You can decide what to do about it if you do fancy someone, but there isn't really a choice in who you find attractive in the first place.

What exactly makes someone appear attractive to you is a mysterious process, but I guess that if all (or maybe almost all) the people you've ever fancied are of one particular gender (or you perceive them to be of that particular gender at the time) then you can assume that you're either purely heterosexual or purely homosexual (depending on which gender it is), whereas if gender seems not to affect who you find sexually attractive then you're bisexual.

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[skx.livejournal.com]

Didn't you ask me to do that .. not so long ago?

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[ciphergoth.livejournal.com]

No. Sorry if it came across that way.

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[skx.livejournal.com]

That's how I took it .. but it's OK - I didn't mind

:)

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[nickys.livejournal.com]

Ciphergoth asked Skx to justify monogamy?

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[skx.livejournal.com]

It appears that wasn't the intent.

Instead I think the question was actually supposed to be 'why switch from one to the other?' (in the many to one direction).

(OT: If you use <lj user="skx"> it'll give a link to the person's name...)

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[nickys.livejournal.com]

'why switch from one to the other?

Right, I see.

I can think of a few reasons myself.
For one thing it might simply be too complicated to be poly, either due to logistics, or because of the emotional tangles involved in sorting out priorities and making sure that people don't feel neglected or hurt.
Another thing is that poly is probably quite rare, and makes many people feel quite uneasy, so your chances of getting a relationship might actually be increased if you stick to monogamy as the pool of potential candidates is larger.
Then there's always the chance that you'll meet The One and simply not want anyone else.

Re: Sorry for jumping in here...

[ciphergoth.livejournal.com]

Yeah. There's a big difference between asking someone why they made a decision and asking them to justify it.

"I've switched to a different brand of shampoo."
"Really, why?"
"WHY SHOULDN'T I? I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MY COSMETIC CHOICES TO YOU, DO I?"