We gather here to eulogize / The Pastor and the Man

[ciphergoth]

Some of you may have seen the story of the unfortunate death of conservative Christian minister Rev. Gary Aldridge:

Clothing: The decedent was received wearing two (2) wet suits, one scuba diving mask, one pair of diving gloves, one pair of slippers, one pair of rubber underwear, two (2) ties, five (5) belts, eleven (11) straps.

This drew a poetic response on the Pharyngula blog:

We gather here to eulogize
The Pastor and the Man
Old Gary Aldridge, often wise,
Though not his latest plan.

A member of the Christian nation,
Friend of Jerry Falwell,
His last attempt at masturbation
Didn't go at all well.

For fifteen years, he'd preached the word
A Southern Baptist minister
His death--now, is it just absurd
Or something rather sinister?

How does a person come to wear
Not one wetsuit, but two?
(Although, I know, I should not care
I'm curious--aren't you?)

I tend to think that, years ago,
He spied a rubber glove,
And wondered "Should I--well, you know--
When God and I make love?"

He tried it on, and found a tube,
Half hidden on his shelf,
Of KY--smiled, and murmered "Lube
Thy neighbor as thy self."

And minutes later, hard at work,
He felt a little odd
Was this a sin, or just a quirk?
He talked it out with God.

"Is what I'm doing here a sin?
Or is my pleasure Thine?
Is this as bad as skin on skin?
Lord, please, give me a sign!"

So God produced a pamphlet: "Your
Vacation in Aruba!"
And pointed out--right there, page four--
The wetsuits used for SCUBA

See, God's not really how you think
A deity might be
He's got a wicked bondage kink
(Just ask His son, J. C.)

So Gary died, not steeped in sin
But following God's plan;
So straight to Heaven--come on in!
And bring the wetsuits, man!

A story, sure, but it may yet
Explain what happened then.
The moral is, please don't forget:
Your safeword is "Amen".

-- "Cuttlefish"

Comments

[drdoug.livejournal.com]

I was seriously chastened by this quote on that post:

It is unfortunate that liberals forced this man into these activities by pressuring the U.S. to legalize gay marriage.

I think we must all share in the guilt here. By advocating and promoting openness and acceptance of all forms of safe, sane, consensual sexual activity, we put unimaginable pressure on conservative moralists whose tastes happen to fall outside the desperately narrow band that they deem acceptable to ... er ... be deeply closeted and profoundly self-loathing.

[friend-of-tofu.livejournal.com]

Damn, pipped!

That was the funniest comment of the entire sorry tale.

Genius.