Friday puns

[ciphergoth]

Just got forwarded a pile of puns that amused me in the way that bad puns amuse sad geeks

Important: just because I'm posting this, doesn't mean you should put me on the list of people to whom you Cc: in turn the jokes you've been sent. Don't.

(Seen on uknot, original source unknown.)

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Comments

[drdoug.livejournal.com]

Wonderful, wonderful. Most of them sound like Tommy Cooper to me. A quick Googling for Tommy Cooper jokes will yield a few extra sniggers ...